Swallowing Pills

steve@waits.net (Stephen Waits) — Sat, 28 Jan 2006 00:43:34 -0600

I never learned how to swallow pills. It’s a wimpy kind of thing, I know; but, somehow, I just never learned.

In middle school (Atascocita Middle School), that’s 6th-9th grade, the day before I was was going to get braces put on, I had to swallow this tiny ass little pink pill. It was going to dry my mouth out so that the overpaid epoxy man they call an orthodontist could have a better chance of making little pieces of metal stick to my teeth. It was all prearranged that I go down to the nurse’s office at a certain time to do the deed.

I was completely apprehensive about this. Worrying for days. Pathetic. I didn’t know how I would manage to actually swallow that pill, even right up to the moment where it had to happen. I went into the office and got the pill and a Dixie cup of water. I tried once and failed. Then, in that moment, I figured it all out…

Fill my mouth with water (but no air), tilt my head way back, poke the little pill inside my lips, and swallow. I did it! I now knew how to swallow pills!

So this is how I’ve swallowed pills my whole life. I look like a complete idiot when I do it. It’s a mental handicap, and I eventually came to realize it.

You see, my wife could swallow pills awesome. So, logically, I should be able to as well. Right?

Right! Let me tell you, I’m a pill swallowing fiend now. Since getting on a health kick, and training for endurance cycling events, I’ve been consuming vitamins and other supplements like they’re going out of style. I take all my stuff twice a day. Each time includes 1 multi-vitamin, 3 fiber thingies, 2 fish oil, 1 electrolytes, 1 magic thing with antioxidants, 1 vegetable extract concentrate thing, and 4 other of something not mentionable. Yah.. you can take your guesses.

So now I can do it like a regular human. When I first started the regular way, it would bug me when I’d get a “slow-swallower” – you know, the ones that take their sweet time going down your throat? Even that doesn’t bother me now.

And, while I haven’t managed my entire regimen in one gulp, I am up to 9! Right before I go for it, if Cathy’s around, I like to proclaim, “here goes a world record”, as if I’m the best pill swallower ever.

Does this mean that there’s hope for me after all?

Update: New record… 12! I’m just a few bad decisions away from being a junkie.

swaits.com: Swallowing Pills

Swallowing Pills